This new criticism of old taboos is not only healthy but vital: The fact is that no man can withstand the major mid-life stresses unless he can dislodge and disgorge his feelings.
This is so because the mid-life crisis is, first and foremost, a period of mourning.7 Marked by discontinuity and depression, it is a time of change and challenge—but also a time of loss. And to weather the storm successfully, a man must be able to ventilate the painful feelings of anger and disappointment that accompany all loss experiences.
He must, in other words, learn how to mourn.
Some of the losses which occur at this stage of life are undeniably devastating: the loss of youth and youthful dreams; the loss of an illusion of immortality; and the loss of physical and sexual energies—to mention only the most obvious.
But there are many other changes that take place during this period, and all of them, even changes for the better, involve an clement of loss: the loss of familiar supports and old sources of gratification. Combined with the pressure of new demands, this sense of loss is what makes all change stressful: When the new displaces the old, we experience this change on the psychological level as a loss; and the experience is accompanied by feelings of abandonment and helplessness and sorrow.
“All change is a loss experience,” explains psychologist Harry Levinson, a management consultant who heads the Levinson Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts. “Whether you change jobs, or change families, or change relationships, something is ripped up. Something is taken away from you. And if one is going to adapt to change—personal change or organizational change—there has to be some opportunity for disgorging the feelings of loss, the negative feelings, and doing the mourning.”
In our society loss experiences tend to be denied, especially by men. At mid-life, however, such denial is dangerous and disabling. It causes depression and also increases a man’s susceptibility to illness.
The only effective way to counter loss experience is to openly express the feelings of pain, anger, and sorrow. The process is similar to the mourning done for the death of a loved one. By talking about the person, and expressing feelings of grief, a survivor gradually relieves his burden and heals his wounds, thereby recovering the strength and vigor to go beyond the loss and begin life anew.
“When feelings are put into words, they can be dissipated or acted on with conscious intent,” explains Levinson. “If they cannot be verbalized, there is no release from anguish and people are compelled to act on impulses which they only dimly perceive.”8
Alien though it may seem to men who have developed a long-standing disdain for expressing emotions, this prescription to ventilate painful feelings—to mourn—is a vital imperative at mid-life.
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