‘Falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ are strange experiences with which most of us have at least a passing acquaintance, and they do not necessarily have anything to do with the types of love we have already been discussing.
The person who is ‘in love’ has a fairly well recognised collection of signs and symptoms – in fact, some people have likened the condition to an illness and speak of people being ‘sick with love’. The signs of the ‘illness’ are restlessness, agitation, an irregular heartbeat, a raised blood pressure and pulse rate, clammy palms, sudden flushes, a loss of appetite, poor sleep, an inability to think straight, extreme mood swings, and even hallucinations.
Is it any wonder that the newly in-love feel so strange and confused? Such feelings are commonplace, especially in the young whom we condition to expect them.
Although women tend to fall in love earlier and to have more ‘attacks’ before the age of twenty, once past this age men continue to fall in love while women seem relatively immune. In one survey women were found to consider it quite reasonable to marry an otherwise suitable partner without being love-sick. Another study found that women are much tougher than men when it comes to breaking up (they ‘de-love’ men quicker than men ‘de-love’ them); and that they were much more likely to report nostalgia, depression and loneliness afterwards.
The most vulnerable time for falling in love is during adolescence and teenagers whose parents are divorced, those at odds with their parents or authority in general and those with poor self-esteem are most at risk. In later life wars and other socially stressful events tend to make people profess love for each other, perhaps as a bid for reassurance or biological survival.
Falling in love is more common in men during the mid-life crisis, in women just before the menopause and in those facing retirement or redundancy. In fact research has found that situations that increase the body’s adrenalin make people more inclined to attach themselves to each other.
Unfortunately, in our Judaeo-Christian culture, ‘being in love’ has become a cultural essential for intercourse. We would certainly be happy to go along with any argument that linked intercourse to real love, but not necessarily to ‘being in love’. Unfortunately, for the young, the three are almost indistinguishable. They think true love is what they are feeling and, whatever their parents say, by way of guidance, love-sickness clouds their judgement and hampers rational decisions. If only we could separate falling in love from copulation and intercourse the world might be a happier and more stable place but several hundred years of cultural conditioning cannot be undone overnight.
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